Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
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First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize