I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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