you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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