Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
