As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize