I feel like abortions should bother me more
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
