okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
