Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
