he shaved USA in his pubs
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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