For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
