Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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