Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
