Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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