I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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