I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
