Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This is my gift to your gina
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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