2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
