We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
