i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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