I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
