I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
