saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
