dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
