Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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