Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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