I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
