so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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