To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
