Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
