I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
