I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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