Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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