Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
