I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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