if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
