True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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