you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
