If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
