she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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