A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
