You just made me feel so damn special
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
