please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
