we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I love having hate sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
