So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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