forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
