the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
