he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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