I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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