I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
