It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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