If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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