You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
