I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
