I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
