I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
