3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
