All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize