Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
