Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
