you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
