The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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