2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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