i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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